Okay. Those of you who know me, know that I have ALWAYS wanted children. I always thought that I had a gift with children. (I don’t feel that way as much anymore as there are some days when I loose all patience with my students, but I used to believe I had a gift). Now that I’m married, the possibility of becoming a mother is more real than ever and I am absolutely TERRIFIED. Between reading blogs of moms (almost everyone except for Heather’s blog–Heather always posts good things about her kids and family) and going to Relief Society I am freaked out about becoming a mother. I like kids. I want to be a good mom…no…A GREAT mom. I really do and I honestly had always arrogantly thought that I would be the BEST. But now I’m having total and complete doubts. I don’t want to stay in my pajamas all day without doing my hair. I don’t want to “need to get out of the house.” I don’t want my relationship with Zach to struggle–not saying it will but we are having a lot of fun right now and I’m selfish.
I have to explain that I want to be like my own mother. I never once remember my mom saying anything like, “Oh, if you thinks she’s cute you can HAVE her!” “With how crazy I’ve been with my kids this week, I am looking forward to a week without them at Girls Camp.” “Sometimes by Monday, I’m happy to drop him/her off at daycare!” And you get the picture…she never said that. I know this because 1. I hear/heard EVERYTHING and hold onto that FOREVER 2. I am extremely sensitive and something like that would have hurt my feelings so badly.
I want to be like my mom but I am SO SO SO incredibly far from that right now and I don’t have time to become her or I will surely be past the baby making ages. So what do I do? Can someone please give me some advice? What are some things that help you ? (Please do not respond with “mommy time-outs” or “anti-depressants.”) Is there something I can do now to prepare me. Are there words of advice that you can offer me or something POSITIVE to go on. I know it will be a joyous experience but I don’t want to be a mom that is pissy all day about my kids and my situation and then feels guilty at the end of the day when I put my child to bed and s/he looks sweet and innocent then. (I will admit sometimes I do that with our dog…) I will tell you that I am a person that needs a clean home and things to be in order and I know that will be difficult but it’s not impossible. Please help…comment or something!!