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**Disclaimer. Very honest post here!

There are three people who hear this statement from me on a fairly regular basis:
“I’m most likely/probably going to hell…”
Those three lucky people are my mom, Zach, and Misty.

It usually comes before I make a remark.
Something that I think most people think but most people don’t say out loud.
But you see, I have guilt for thinking it.
So admitting I thought it and know I’m being horrible
somehow makes me think I’m going to feel better.

I blame my mom.
She laughs at me when I’m rude.
And as a result, well…sometimes I get a little out of control.

I think things like:
That baby is kind of ugly. I hope my baby doesn’t look like that! Oh my goodness, what if my baby looks like that.

No, my baby will look like that (admire another baby)baby. I will make sure of it.

Then I think that Heavenly Father will teach me a lesson and give me an ugly baby because I’m so rude and superficial. Then the guilt sets in so I lean over to Zach.

Me: I’m horrible, but that baby is not very cute and I feel bad for thinking it.
Zach: I was thinking the same thing but I wasn’t going to bring it up or anything.

Seeeee….I shouldn’t bring it up. Even my husband knows better.

Sometimes I think:
Wow. I am really grateful that Zach still has his hair. I’m really glad he will always have his hair. I’m grateful that Zach knows how to comb his hair or just do something to his hair in general.
In fact, I think Zach is so much better looking than most anyone in this room. I’m so happy about that.

And then I think that I will be punished for this and that Zach will go bald and I will be humbled.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not in love with Zach or married to him for his hair
(well, maybe in the sense that I want dark-haired babies)
It’s just that Zach has good hair and I’m glad for that.

Another thought I fairly often have is:
Wow. My kids will not behave like that ever in public. If this were happening right now and I were in charge, I would __________.

This is usually where Zach is most compliant. I lean over and tell him and he will say: Oh, I know. You’re not horrible. People need to learn to raise their children. Sometimes in church Zach will remark out loud, “Time to take your kids out!” He says it like he’s talking to me but it’s definitely loud enough for those around us to hear. Sometimes I get embarrassed. Sometimes I laugh. Most of the time it’s both!

This is where you are all probably thinking that I have a lot to learn and I will re-read this post when I have kids and realize that I had it coming. I deserved it. And I know that. I do think however, that our kids will not do x, y, or z without proper consequence.

And there are more. SO so many more. But I don’t want you to think I’m just an unforgivable terrible person. I promise–I’m not trying to be. So I will stop here and just beg responses.

I know I shouldn’t have these thoughts.
But please tell me, first of all, that I’m not alone.
And 2nd of all…any tips for becoming a better person.
I think I may have to send myself into hiding for about three weeks to purify my heart and then come back to reality?

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