I am going to admit something to you all. I had this blog lined out the other day and this morning I totally screwed up the plan I have outlined  below before I even got to work this morning. I was then considering changing the post to something less hypocritical but, I decided I still need to see it out there and use the reminder. So you get it anyway:)

Sharlee made this comment a few weeks ago that has caused me to think quite a bit about forgiveness, not to discount the fact that it comes to my mind frequently anyway, it just made it a little more clear.  She said that “while I really do deserve an apology from —– I have come to the realization that that is never going to happen and I have chosen to be ok with it. I will not put myself in the position to take anymore from —- but I have to decide not to care about it so much”. This was in reference to someone who truly does owe her an apology and in my opinion a really large one at that.

  I will admit (not proudly) that I can hold a grudge tighter and longer than is normally physically possible. I hate this about myself. I can also harbor this grudge against my own mistakes as well. This attribute has caused me a great deal of anguish.  People have in my lifetime done some things that are horribly wrong and I find it terribly hard to believe that they have no clue of it. I carry along in my little (or not so little) suitcase my list and my grudges.  It is quite heavy.  I know I should unpack it and lighten my own load. The people that did the things that I am carrying are not helping me haul this. They have a backpack of their own and are skipping on.  The act of toting this around has not given them a load to carry.  The weight of this is entirely my own.  

I actually hope and pray for help with this issue and then I still turn around and something will come up and I am off on the runway with my baggage again and again.. I should actually be earning frequent flyer miles from the guilt trips I have taken for myself AND the ones I want to put others on!  I could take a large trip on the miles I have spent berating myself for my own mistakes.  I know I have done things to people that are hurtful and wrong and I know that there are probably a ton more things out there that I have done that I am not even mindful of  that I have given others to carry.  I feel guilt for my actions.. Horrendous guilt.

I also want you to know that I KNOW this is wrong. I KNOW this is not Christian behavior and I have been trying to fix it.  It is a total work in progress.  I know that in order for me to be forgiven I am required to forgive as well

 Instead, be kind to each other, tender hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesian 4:32

In case you are wondering why I am using the blog as a confessional, I just wanted to state it out loud so that I have witnesses and so that I see in writing my need to straighten this out. I would also truly like to hear comments from people who have learned to be more forgiving and how they did so. 

I am glad for the comment Shar made a while ago just simply because it made my issue completely plain.

To those of you who read this and are carrying some of my sins in your bag.. I am Sorry. To myself for the things I am hating myself for. I am going to try to forgive myself.  To those who do owe me an apology as well- to quote Shar ” I have chosen to be ok with it ”

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
Mother Teresa

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