“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.”–1 John 4:18
The other day Mara (of A Blog About Love) blogged about my greatest fear. It seemed like an answer to a prayer to have someone just come out in the open with it and offer an opportunity for discussion.
I have a horrible fear of losing Zach. It was really bad just before we got married. I kept worrying about something happening to him before I had a chance to be sealed to him. I was so happy and so excited to start a life with him that it felt too good to be true. I often went to the temple during that time and I think I did that for two reasons: first, I felt so blessed and I wanted to bless someone else. Secondly, because it was the only place I could truly feel peace. I was constantly worrying about him.
After we were married, I calmed down a bit, but I never stopped worrying. Since my grandpa passed away, though, it’s gotten so much worse. I was in the room when my grandpa stopped breathing and I know that was the right decision for me (I chose to be in there) but I have never been so aware of the fragility of our lives. The idea of mortality is so clear to me now, in a way that it never was before.
As a result, my fear has gotten worse. I am very well aware that anytime Zach and I part ways, that moment could be our last together. The upside to this (luckily there is one) is that I try to make the most of our time together. I want to make every minute a memory. I want to make sure Zach knows how much I love him. I kiss him, hug him, and tell him this probably an obnoxious amount of times every day. But I want him to know. I try to make sure that we are enjoying our time together so that we can make the most of the time we do have, however long that may be.
It scares me to say that. I would love a guarantee, but there is none. I am not exactly ready to accept this but I know that I need to. This fear has started to consume me more and more. I think about this a few times a day at least and I know it’s not healthy and it’s not a way to love.
I had this thought the other day: “Sharlee, you put a lot of effort and heart into trusting Zach. Why don’t you put that same effort into trusting Heavenly Father and the plan He has for you?”
And of course I wanted to immediately push that thought from my mind. I didn’t want the put the effort into letting go. It would be a huge undertaking and I don’t know how to let go of the fear. And then, the answer I got a few months back, “Just grow closer to me” came.
I realize that the fear that I have is not showing a love for my Heavenly Father nor my husband. It’s not a way to love myself either.
The atonement isn’t meant to be saved for times when bad things already happen. It’s also meant for giving us worriers some peace of mind so that we can perfectly love one another.
I know that if I pray about it and put my heart into it, I can choose peace over worry. I can let my Savior’s perfect love allow me to love more perfectly. I need to start today.
Do you have any fears that you’ve dealt with or made peace with? I’d love to hear your thoughts/advice etc. on this matter.