6 weeks ago it was me, Zach, and the dog and life was good. I was fine with that. If we got pregnant, fine! If not, that would be fine, too. “It’s all in the Lord’s hands” was my motto and I felt I was being so faithful in thinking so.
If it didn’t happen, someday we’d start the long road to adoption. Maybe even try our hand at foster parenting. These things have certainly been discussed over dinner with a very easy-going attitude of: things will happen the way they’re supposed to.
Three weeks ago I saw a plus sign on a pregnancy test and my life literally changed in that instant.
Six days later we said goodbye to that baby with broken hearts.
Six days don’t seem like a lot. Some my dismiss our loss because it was such a brief amount of time. Let me tell you what six days will do to you.
In six days:
-The already peaceful spirit in our home exponentially grew. It felt different in there. There is a power to be felt when a little one is on the way and though it was only a short time, we were not immune to its majesty.
-I started a wish list on Amazon.com. I started researching the best strollers, car seats, and cloth diapers for our baby. Adding them all to the wish list.
-We formalized an exact plan for how we would tell our family and friends and would tear up when we thought about sharing the news.
-We daydreamed about everything: Having my best friend show up to look at our baby and take beautiful pictures. Zach blessing the baby in church with the men in our families (my dad, his dad, our grandpas, my brother). How the house would feel when we brought the baby home. I imagined the entire pregnancy and first year all day every day.
-We made memories with the baby as we lay in bed at night talking about what we were most excited about, what we were most nervous about, and how it will be to bring that little baby home with a beanie on his/her head, whether we thought it would be a boy or girl.
-We made a place for that baby in our home. We planned the nursery, our possible date nights with the baby, and vacations.
We I started mentally reorganizing closets and furniture and posting things on Craigslist to make room for the little spirit that already had taken up all the room in our hearts.
-I had the blessed opportunity to build a bond. Something magical that, if nothing else, I’m so grateful I got to experience. Everywhere I went, I had a little buddy…a pal tagging along with me. Everything I did was different. Do I yell at the student who is just staring at the board and not attempting the work? Do I still get pissy in traffic? I started rethinking every action because I was now someone’s mother and that someone is already with me.
So, it may have only been six days that we knew about our baby, but those six days were life-altering. Our home changed. Our priorities changed. Our marriage changed. Our dreams changed. Everything changed in an instant…and then everything changed in an instant once again with that enormous loss.
I’ve decided to post about this experience in parts. I was nervous to post at first because I felt it was too personal. I was nervous to post too fast because people might not find me very genuine, but I wanted to share this. I want to acknowledge this loss, because this was our baby…our first pregnancy…and it was an incredible experience while it lasted and the trial of the loss has still brought enormous blessings our way.
When it first happened, I spent a ridiculous amount of time online. First trying to figure out why. After I got past that, after I realized I couldn’t do that to myself anymore, I went on to search other blogs that I read where I know people have experienced this kind of loss and read about their take on things. It was incredibly healing and beneficial.
I not only write for me, but I write for someone else who may be going through something similar, either today or down the road. Perhaps it’s a woman who, with a prayer in her heart, puts “blogs on miscarriage” in her Google search and stumbles upon this…I can only hope it helps someone else along the way.
I hope you’ll follow me as I share this story. How I reacted, what I hope, what I’ve learned, and what has helped me deal. And if you’re sharing this journey, I hope it brings peace and comfort.