{See Part 1 here}

What Helped Me

{Source}

Everyone says I’m handling this well, but they didn’t see me at my worst. Initially I just cried. I cried and cried…ugly crying. There was nothing gentle or graceful about it. Zach held me and cried with me and I just bawled.

My heart hurt so badly. It ached. It was such a surreal experience, I just wanted to turn back the clock. I wanted to go back and I couldn’t so I cried.

That night, Zach held me as I cried. I looked up church talks on LDS.org, prayed, and finally fell into a fitful sleep.

I will forever be grateful that Zach and I have jobs and are in a situation where we can take time for things like this. So many people don’t have that luxury and I know we are blessed. I stayed home from work the next day. I sent Zach to work. I needed time to just cry and do my thing. There wasn’t anything he could do for me anyway.

I ate chocolate, curled up with Mal, watched Drop Dead Diva  and cried intermittently throughout the day. I cried in the shower, I cried in the living room, I cried while watering my garden, I cried while brushing my teeth…I cried, most of all, while I said my prayers. I prayed a lot. A whole lot. Even if I wasn’t actively praying, my heart was in communication with my Father in Heaven all day long.

It seemed as though everything in the house. Things that had been in the house for far longer than those six days reminded me of our loss, of our baby. Because for six days I had been seeing everything through different eyes. I still have yet to wear the perfume I was wearing at the beginning of the summer.

I did the “lay around and cry” thing for about two days. I went to church on Sunday because that was the only thing that I felt could do anything for me. Zach gave me blessings. I read talks. I relied heavily on Zach. I didn’t leave the house for four days unless he was with me. I could be alone at home, but I wasn’t ready to be alone in public yet. I think that would have reminded me of the little pal that was missing. My heart felt empty.

I cried to Zach one night and told him that I felt that every ounce of happiness had been sucked out of me. I couldn’t seem to even remember how it felt to be happy. I questioned this because I believe happiness is a choice, but I couldn’t even seem to recall what it was to be happy. Every happy memory was too painful…filled with a realization of how innocent I was prior to this experience. I knew my heart was forever changed.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was not happy and couldn’t even fathom happiness because my heart was so heavy with burden.

I felt immense guilt at first. Unbearable guilt. I cannot even begin to describe how heavy this burden was, but it was so heavy that I couldn’t feel my Heavenly Father’s love at the time I needed to the most.

I felt guilty that I was ignorant enough to think that I had the luxury of worrying about money. I thought I had the luxury of worrying about weight gain–even coming up with a post-pregnancy plan to lose the weight and sharing it with Zach. I thought I had the luxury of worrying about sub plans and coming up with a plan so that I could be done with all of my plans by December just in case, things got crazy or the baby came a few weeks early. How much time I spent worrying about money, weight, making room in the house, working while being a mom, rather than just enjoying this wonderful blessing. Why didn’t I just enjoy it? Why didn’t I just soak up every minute of the magic? I beat myself up about this all.day.long for two entire days. That doesn’t sound like a lot but forty-eight hours of self-loathing while grieving a loss makes for a very broken and incredibly tired soul.

After I got over feeling guilty (which I will share in another post) I just felt sad. I felt empty and I was sad. I missed our baby. I missed daydreaming. I missed that feeling. I missed all of it. This is where I still am. Crying because I lost something. Crying because I learned so much in such a short time about loving and losing. Praying to learn all that I can from this experience so that this loss is not in vain.

It took me only a few short days to get past inconsolable crying and the heavy burden of guilt. That transformation is one I hope to share with you next, as it is one of the greatest miracles I’ve experienced in this process.

I handled the initial loss with taking time off and using that time to let my body heal and pray. Praying worked wonders on my soul while the rest worked wonders on my body.

Some things that I did or that others did to help me through this trying time were:

*Lots and lots of people offered sympathy. I’ve read a lot of blogs on miscarriage lately and there always seems to a portion dedicated on what “not to say.” I never had anyone say those things to  me. Everyone I told sympathized and told me they were sorry. That was all I needed to hear. I am so grateful for that.

*I had/still have a lot of people who offered to pray on our behalf. I have so many cool stories about that in such a short time. I can promise you that Zach and I have both felt those prayers.

*I prayed and Zach and I prayed together (more on this in my next post).

*A lady in my ward (the first one I told from church) told me that she’d been down the same road and if I needed/wanted to talk, we could grab Sonic drinks and visit. I haven’t taken her up on the offer, but I really appreciated her offer. She also literally left church that day and within an hour was at our doorstep dropping off sugar cookies along with a note. The note was so kind/thoughtful. She offered sympathy, understanding, prayers. She then said, “I hope you like sugar cookies, I made these just for you.” I opened the container, and she had cut them into hearts. It was a simple gesture, but it truly meant so much. Every time I ate one, I told Zach that they tasted special. I packed them in my lunch when I went back to work the first day, a little something special to remind me that I was loved and being prayed for.

*Zach and I went and picked out a plant. We planted it in front of the bedroom window that would have been the baby’s room. It will come back every year as a reminder.

*I bought this necklace on ETSY. If you go to ETSY and type in “miscarriage” in the search bar, there are lots of different kinds of jewelry and such. I was glad I found that.

*I read other blogs on miscarriage (and other trials).

Here are a few that I found incredibly helpful:

*Kelle Hampton wrote a few things about it found here and here

*Katie from Marriage Confessions did a series of interviews with her sister who miscarried in her second trimester. Though I will not say that I relate to that kind of devastation, they were healing to watch and listen to.

Part One and Part Two

*Though these posts are not miscarriage related, they are overcoming trials related and they humble me to read. Jacy, from My Name is Jacy, started a feature on her blog called, “My Name is ________.” Check out some of these posts featuring other women who have overcome/are currently dealing with trials. It is nothing but inspiring and humbling to read.

*I stumbled upon this post from The Better Mom after doing a Google search.

Basically, I took time off from the real world. I spent time with Zach, family, friends, and Mal. I prayed. I let others pray for me. I read scriptures, talks, inspiring posts I found, and tried to let the words bring me peace as well. I also did a few things to serve as a reminder. I know that the world will go on as it should, but I wanted something to remind us always of our little miracle.

How have you initially coped with a difficult/trying loss? I’d love to hear.

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