“The Price that I Paid to See This View”
When we first lost the baby, I struggled with trying to mesh how I felt with what I believe. I felt personally responsible, but I believe God has a plan for each of us and His hand is in everything. I felt like Heavenly Father was angry with me for worrying about things that weren’t worth worrying about; I believe that Heavenly Father loves all His children and hates to see them suffer and is always there available to comfort and guide them to becoming the best version of themselves. I felt like I deserved this trial; I believe that we all need trials to learn and grow if we will allow a trial to build us rather than break us.
I found it awfully ironic that at the very beginning of the summer I read Kelle Hampton’s Bloom and while many things stood out to me, this quote probably stood out to me most of all:
“It’s taken me awhile to grasp it all, but I have finally arrived at the grown-up place of life-is-what-you-make-it and there are lots of things we go through that aren’t comfortable or ideal, but they could be so incredibly worse, and a simple life of comfort does nothing to change us, mold us, make us into better, stronger, more beautiful versions of ourselves.”
I read this and thought, “Oh no! I have a simple life of comfort. What’s going to happen next?!” Not exactly the best attitude, I know that. I worry too much. I know that. But in my heart, I knew something was coming. And when it did, I remembered those words along with a million other church talks on trials (as found here for starters).
So, I’ve been dealt this hand. I’ve experienced this loss. Why? What do I make of it? What can I learn from it? I don’t want the loss of that life to be in vain. How can I make myself a better mother for my future children through this experience? How can I become a better spouse?
I remembered seeing this incredible music video on another blog. It talks about turning your heartbreak into something beautiful. My favorite line is, “It’s the price that I paid to see this view.”
I’m not done with this trial. I will always be sad about our loss and therefore, I hope to always be learning from it. But for now, I have already learned many substantial things. I thought I would share my new “view.”
People are Good
Of course we know this, but we get to see it through different eyes when we are in the midst of the greatest storms. It’s why I think one trial is never good enough. Many more will come our way, because we are forgetful. We forget how good people are. Right now, I’m so aware that I am less offended by others, less critical, and more filled with love for the people around me.
Surely that will fade, but I hope I can keep a small reminder of that, because trials really do open our eyes to all the good out there.
Faith Unites People
A lot of people think that religion destroys. There are so many different faiths and so many people believing they are “right” that we overlook the more important aspects like humanity and instead talk about how faith destroys. I’ve seen it do just the opposite. In times of trial, faith brings people together. Merely having faith in something unites people.
I’ve had prayers uttered on my family’s behalf through this entire experience by many different people from many different faiths. I’ve had prayers from members of my church, I’ve had my name submitted to the temple for prayer, I’ve had non-denominational Christian friends, Catholic friends, and Jewish friends praying for me. I’ve even had friends that are not of any faith promise to keep me in their thoughts. It doesn’t matter. Truly faithful people don’t think twice about offering to keep you in their prayers no.matter.what. Through that opportunity to pray for others and to be prayed for. It brings us together. It brings people of all faiths together.
Gratitude is a Wonderful Teacher
I’ve been practicing to Choose Gratitude for quite a while now. It has made a huge difference in my life. When we first experienced this loss, we still said our nightly prayers together. First always offering gratitude for all that we do have. And we have so much.
Now that time has passed, we’ve actually found ourselves thanking our Heavenly Father for this experience. Not for the loss, but for what we’ve learned. We’ve thanked Him for the small amount of time that we got to experience that love, excitement, and how it’s helped us to grow–as individuals and as a couple.
Being grateful has been the key in helping us learn all that we can through this experience.
The Atonement is Real
My in-laws don’t share our exact faith. They share a common belief in Christianity. They have an understanding of Christ and His sacrifice that is inspiring. I leave any conversation with them about religion with a goal to understand and know my Savior more. I swear their motto is, “Give it to Jesus!”
I’m a control freak and I don’t know how to “give” any control away. I know that I am not the one in control, but I still don’t know how to relieve myself of feeling like I am, if that makes any sense.
The first three days after the miscarriage, I could not handle the guilt. I was filled with sadness but also heavily burdened with guilt. Oh my, the guilt! I felt so responsible. I felt a spiritual and physical responsibility for this loss. I loved that baby and I failed. I cannot begin to describe the hurt. Zach said to me, “Give it to Him, Shar. He’ll take it.” I refused. I was like a stubborn child. I cried and told Zach, ‘I don’t know how!” His response was simply, “Pray until you do.”
The next morning I couldn’t even pray. Although I do believe there is a need for praying properly I firmly believe that any prayer is a prayer. Whether it’s verbal, written, in our hearts, etc…All I could do was cry and tell Heavenly Father that I was sorry, ask for another chance, and tell Him that I couldn’t take the guilt, but I didn’t know how to get rid of it.
After a few days of praying like that, studying those talks I linked to above, and talking to Zach, the weight was truly lifted. Completely gone. I don’t feel responsible, I don’t feel guilty. Instead I feel loved and I feel peace. The difference is so huge that I cannot deny it. I cannot deny the power of prayer and the power of the atonement.
I not only know but I now understand that the atonement replaces guilt with peace; it replaces hatred/anger with love. As many times as I’ve heard that the atonement can transform–this was the first time I truly experienced it, and it’s an experience that I’m not likely to forget. I truly felt a weight lifted from my soul.
Oh, How I Love My Husband
I’ve also learned so much about my husband. He’s even more incredible than I knew. I regard him with a different kind of respect and even a reverence now. There are no words to explain how good he’s been. How patient, understanding, caring, and how strong he’s been even though this is his loss, too. I have never needed anyone the way I’ve needed him the past few weeks. And he has been there without fail in a bigger way than I can describe. Our relationship is stronger and even better than it was. We are even more ready to become parents.
There is nothing I would love more than to start showing next month. To be planning in every possible way for our baby to join us. I will forever be sad about the loss of our “Surprise February Baby.” I am grateful for a faith that helps me to find peace and to learn from a difficult experience. I’m grateful to others who share their experiences with trials and set an example for me. I’m grateful to friends and family who went out of their way to make us feel loved. We lost a lot, but we’ve gained a lot, too. And that’s something to be happy about.