The thing about me is I am on the other side of middle age and I still have not completely grown up.
This is an issue that works well when I am hanging out with children, but in the adult aspect of my life
Sometimes the little kid stays when the big person should show up. Then sometimes the kid wakes the
adult right up
I have had several of these moments over the past week.
The thing that kicked it off was last Monday Cara and Levi were on vacation and I was checking on their dogs and I decided to mow their lawn to surprise them. I was grabbing out my lawn mower and weed eater and I pulled the ramps out from the side of the garage. They have been sitting there unused since last summer. They have my name written on them in permanent large print in my dad’s handwriting. He bought these for me from Harbor Freight and left them as a surprise because I had been loading and unloading my mower from my truck using a piece of plywood as my ramp for YEARS. I pulled them out and lined them up on the back of my truck and stood there and I choked and then I full out sobbed for probably 3 minutes. I don’t mean a little bit I mean hard. I cried really hard. The tools,the name labeled on them,the getting them because it would make helping him easier for me, Harbor Freight.. my Dad.. my Dad.. oh judas .. All of it made me just sad- probably the saddest I have been in a few months. So my dad’s little girl woke the big girl up and I did what I think you should do when you are sad. I put the rest of my stuff in the truck and moved on. I would mow the lawn maybe it would make someone happy.. maybe it would make me happy. Maybe Dad would be happy if he saw me using the ramps to help Cara and Levi out. Maybe..
Wednesday after the lawn thing I was thinking about my mom and dad a lot. I mean A LOT.. Todd was out of town working and so I drove around on my way home from work and went to eat alone. I went to a place I ate with them both. I sat there and wondered what they were doing now.. If they forgive me for not always doing what I knew was best. Does God forgive me? Do they know that I love them so much that at this age I still cry like a baby for my mom and dad? Do they want me to knock it off? The child gets pushed out by the big girl again and I left the restaurant I decided to drive to the cemetery and just be there a minute .. maybe I will just pray as I know that they are not there. I just feel I will go by. I get there and my dad’s name is misspelled on his headstone.. “Judas Priest does anyone do their job?!!!” “Why didn’t I come back out here and see before now?!” I decide I will call tomorrow and fix that. I don’t cry anymore because now “I have to take care of something for dad” …
Friday I received his tax return-the one I took to the accountant when he was still alive. He and I went over all his deductions together and I had taken it in about a week before he passed away. Due to his death I had to go back to the accountant and go over a different form and information and it all had to be redone and then I had to handle other issues with it so I was still being the kid .. the kid helping the dad .. even though I really wasn’t but it seemed like it. Then a few months later on this Friday here comes his check and the adult has got to wake up AGAIN.. Weird things went through my mind “ I will go to the bank and split this with Cara and Danny and Will.” – “ I wish I had gotten them done sooner and he would have had this money for himself.” “I wish I had taken him to the doctor on Monday instead” “ I wish I had not left for church and just stayed with him the whole day he passed away” . I wish, I wish! I wish ! Then I cried.. standing at the counter in my kitchen alone with a stupid envelope from the IRS.
Saturday I went to the bank and cashed the check and took some issues with his credit cards in to fix. I get to help my dad.. (In my head). The teller is fixing my cashier’s checks for my brothers and sister and calling on the cards. This is taking too long and although I had been the only one in the place when I got there-now there was a line behind me in the bank. Some guy complained to the lady in front of him how long it was taking and I kind of flipped-turned around-and said (quite abruptly) I am sorry,, my dad died and he is helping me- I apologize you are having to wait!! She looked horrified and said sorry and I got the checks, left the bank and got in my truck and I cried .. Holding 3 checks from my dad’s last tax return. Dad who worked until two weeks before he died.. My dad’s money. I am sure he would be glad that it will help his kids a little bit. This fact makes me cry harder… in the parking lot at Albertsons.. Then the big girl wakes up again and calls one brother to tell him she will bring it by, texts the other one and calls Cara. We both cry..
Thursday I was at work and went to talk to a friend and I tell you her clothes smelled so freaking good. Downy fabric softener.. smells like my mom’s clothes.. Smells like my mom.. Oh noooo. Wow I miss parents.. I miss my MOM.. I miss my Dad. Mom has been gone 3 ½ years I need to grow up. But, what did I do? Went back to my desk and I cried….
Friday Sharlee posted a blog about the smells in heaven. Up comes the picture of my parent’s empty house. The kitchen sink mom used to slide her stool up to when she could hardly walk and peel potatoes for her Festive Potatoes for family dinner. The door and the magazine rack I thought was so Redneck/Doctor office at the time.. Oh how I miss that place and the rack filled with magazines that my mom had devoured and the door slamming and the family pouring in and out. The Sunday nights on the couch arguing with my dad and having my mom tell him she liked some singer (Hippy as my dad called her) on t.v. that was from Idaho City. The house where we watched the famous Fiesta Bowl and I swear my mother prayed them to win. I looked at the pictures of that house and read that blog and I cried.
So how old do you have to be to quit crying for your mom and dad? I suppose I will come to grips with this all eventually and be able to mention them without the feeling I may choke. I will and then one day I will run back to hug them and see them and smell them and hear them.
You know what?
I bet I still CRY.