I started this blog about a month ago and it was mainly for my own help. I was waiting for Shar to tell her story because I didn’t in any way want to overstep her feelings. I have found that writing about some of the things in my life and seeing how they sometimes work out helps me and I hope they help someone else as well. I am pretty sure the readers of Shar’s blog are in a much younger age range, but in the off chance that some of my topics will still hit home or maybe you will save them for a later date I still write them
Flash back to the blog I wrote about Getting Outside to Play. I left work that day with a rather strange feeling, but I was going to clear it up with some time outside. I got in my pickup and began my drive home and called Shar.. This is where my heart stood still.
Literally.. I felt it actually hollow out and stand still for a minute. On the other end of the phone was my Shar … telling me that she had a miscarriage the night before. My mind went kind of blurred and the most horrible feeling came over me. I am driving home and finding out that my daughter lost what would have been my first grand baby and she was heartbroken.. I don’t need to tell some of you how awful it is to have a child that is so torn up that you can not help them.. It is a hopeless, frightening, sad experience.
I am a do something about a problem type of person. If something goes wrong I try to fix it or move around it or help out with it. There was nothing on this earth I could do with this to make it right. I started an instant prayer…. and kept it there .. I drove past my exit and went to her house directly. Let me tell you in my head for a minute I wanted to run from this. I truly did. I wanted to run and turn time back and come back when the story began and make it turn out the way it SHOULD have turned out.. Last week I had said that I was sad about my dad, but this was a severe, deep different kind of sadness.
It was strange thing, but the Sunday before this we had dinner at Shar and Zach’s and Todd had made the comment “When are we going to have grandkids?” Shar had commented that we would get them when Heavenly Father wanted us to have them.. I now know all this time they both knew they were going to be telling us all in different ways, fun and funny ways that they were going to give us our first grand kid. This fact makes me more heart sick than ever.
After finding out that they had lost the baby this made me personally feel robbed. I felt robbed of the excitement of that fun little news, robbed of the innocence of my daughter planning her first baby, and robbed of the feeling that I could be of some kind of help to her always as her mom.
I watched her go over and over all the things she thought she had done that may have caused it, things she read, things people told her, things she thought up in her own head. I felt guilt over this as I had taken such a haphazard view of being able to have kids. I ran, mowed lawns, hiked, puked, went in hot tubs, rode a motorcycle, went to tanning beds and on horrible rides in the mountains all the time I was pregnant. I just suspected the kids were along for that ride.. How ungrateful was I? I also felt guilt over the fact that I had seen so many people have miscarriages in my time working with so many women that I never really understood the pain and grief of it. I should have been kinder to them. I should have done more. Then I just wondered why?
Why would it happen this way? I may add that as her mom I always think Shar should have things the way she deserves them and I get mad when it doesn’t actually always work out. She would be a really good mom .. Zach would be an incredible dad.. They have a nice home and good room to put a baby in, they make a decent living and they are GOOD people.. I felt MAD not at Heaven per say, yet I was MAD at the situation.
The sadness in both of their eyes was heart wrenching to me. Zach is as much my son as if he were my own so the horribleness of that for him was also hard to take. I loved them I talked to them and I just really prayed a lot…
For quite a while I felt like someone yanked a rug out from under me. I couldn’t get my footing. I found solace in the fact that they were both very good to each other and that Zach would take care of her. This is by far the best gift ever.
I still prayed and I got the constant reminder of my mom and her grape juice when you were not feeling well. I decided that heart sick is worse than health sick so I bought some grape juice and gave it to Shar and Zach with the note . I feel my mom wanted them to have it.
Then I decide that if I feel my mom wants to help Shar .. She is still trying to help me. So a little bit of hope comes to light and I think maybe I am still useful as a mom. Maybe people that are broken hearted don’t need you to fix it, they have to do that themselves, maybe they just need you to care.
I Do Care… I care very much about my children and their happiness. I care and I pray and I wish for help to heal my own broken heart and then…
I know in thinking of this that our Heavenly Father cares far more about what happens to his children than even I do as a mom. He loves perfectly. He will carry us through. I just continued to pray and keep hoping and praying some more. I have found that I need to pray harder when I feel hopeless and empty. .
Psalms 147-3 says He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds . I believe this and sometimes I know this does not come overnight or in our time frame, but he still does and he will care for us. .
I feel MY mom must be praying for us in heaven. She was always a big believer in her Savior and the power of prayer. I swore that she had a better line in to God.
I hope she puts a word in for them to get their chance pretty soon.