As you know, I’ve been on a crying fest.
The other day after starting this book (same book linked in the other post) Zach and I were saying prayers. I had been fine all night. We ate dinner, talked, cuddled, etc…Things were fine. I was fine. Zach worked on homework and I read.
Then it’s my turn for prayer and I can’t seem to get my prayer out without bursting into tears and suddenly feeling the need to repent for…well, honestly, being me. It wasn’t even the sadness of the book. It was the family dynamic that was so beautifully captured. Suddenly I realize I’m a horrible granddaughter, daughter, sister, niece, future mother, and wife. All of these in a matter of moments and I’m just bawling.
Bless Zach. I’m serious now. I don’t know another human being that is as patient as the man I married, except maybe my mom (which is why it’s inevitable that I’m spoiled rotten). I was fine a minute ago and now my world is crashing down. I am a complete and utter failure. This probably had to be incredibly confusing and most likely even frustrating to him. Instead he cuddled me for a while and talked me out of my sobs.
“Do you know how many characteristics you have that I wish I did?” He said to me.
“That doesn’t even make sense, you’re one of the best people I know and I’m the worst. I need to be more like you.” Was my weepy reply.
“That’s why we’re perfect for each other. That’s exactly why, Shar. If we let it make us better, but if you beat yourself up about things it doesn’t do any good.”
I know it’s so cliché, but it’s so true. How different Zach and I are. I knew from the beginning we were opposites, but I really saw it as a challenge…Zach needed to be more like me. End of story. That’s what I thought. Then I married him and really learned about who he was. I realized I was the one who needed to change.
For a few days now, I’ve been reflecting on this. Zach and I have a lot of differences. I will share some with you:
-Zach is terrific with directions. He might get lost, but he will always find a way. I can get lost leaving my subdivision. I can actually get lost within my subdivision and I cannot find my way. I have to always call someone. Going somewhere new? Mom better be by the phone because I will call. There’s NEVER been a time I’ve traveled somewhere new and haven’t called for directions.
-Zach loves fresh pineapple but refuses to eat it on pizza. I don’t like pineapple and I will only eat it on pizza.
-Zach is a perfectionist. I’ve come to realize that I don’t really think it’s the end result he cares about getting right. I think he just doesn’t know how to half-a#@ something. I do. I’m the queen of it. I just want to be done. If I’m working on something, it will be mediocre. I hid from this truth for a long time. It’s time I embrace it.
-I have no sense of space. It will take me at least 5 minutes to get out of a parking space if there is anyone behind me or on either side of me. Zach can navigate his way out of the tightest spot in one to two turns.
-I over analyze everything. How clean my house is. How the back of my legs look like Mrs. Doubtfire in a fat suit. What I said at church that might have been taken offensively. What someone said to me that I did take offensively. Etc. Etc. Zach nothing. Nothing at all. Dude is out like a light at night. No worries for him.
-I fear consequences. I can see 18 different repercussions for a choice/action before it’s taken and then some. Zach doesn’t think that far ahead. He fears no consequence. Which is why I don’t think I’ll ever agree to let him own a motorcycle. He’s just not careful enough and I’m too careful.
-I always think how much better I could be. Zach always thinks how much worse he could be. (I swear if I could live one day in his head, it would be the ultimate vacation. I kid you not.) Ultimately Zach and I both agree. The place where we both need to change is we need to find a happy medium where this is concerned. I need to be nicer to myself and Zach needs to be a little harder on himself.
Other than that one area. We both offer things that the other needs. We are the epitome of a teeter totter. Both offering great things at opposite ends and if we share and embrace that about one another, we meet in the middle with a delicate perfect balance. A balance that allows me to still be myself but to find more peace and to become a better version as I become more centered.
Opposites do attract and I’m glad we do. Instead of trying to measure up to my husband, I’m going to measure up to me. And strengthen the opposing side to strengthen us a unit.