Can you relate to this story or has this ever happened to you?

I don’t have an answer to my own question today, I’m trying something a little different. I’m going to tell you something that’s going on with me and you’re going to weigh in…pretty please.

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I’ve never been a gloomy person. I’ve never been a negative or pessimistic person. I don’t see myself that way at all. But when I was in the 5th grade we moved into a house that my parents built. When we moved in I recognized immediately that we had something nice. We had something that a lot of people don’t.

Up until the 7th grade, I became afraid that something would happen to the house and subsequently my family. It would break and crash down and we would all perish in the night. I would sit in school and worry about my mom and dad driving around during the day while I was in school, totally fearful that something bad would happen. I couldn’t focus on my work and for a while I often went to the counselor’s office.

I think what I wanted was someone to tell me “You have nothing to worry about. Nothing is going to happen.” But nobody could tell me that and I didn’t like feeling so out of control. It was my first experience with realizing I wasn’t in charge. I literally could not hear the word “dead’ “death” or anything like it or tears would immediately ensue.

I was so paralyzed by this fear that I couldn’t sleep in my own room as a 7th grader. I slept on my brother’s floor for a while.I remember one night my dad came in and got me and let me sleep on my parents’ floor.

Eventually I did “get over it.” Or so I thought. Rather I put the issue aside in my head. Locked tightly away and ignored it. I did a really great job for a really long time.

Then I met Zach. I’ve already discussed my biggest fear on here, but it’s actually so much more than that. When I met Zach I started to recognize my own  mortality more. I became more aware that I don’t get to choose how many days I’m here or the ones that I love are. I started to remember I wasn’t in control and it has literally changed me.

I used to love thrill-seeking things. When I was single I would go white-water rafting one to three times a summer with a group of people in my singles ward. I loved it! Loved it! Zach always mentions wanting to go and I will admit, I don’t make the effort to arrange such a thing as I should. Honestly, I”m scared. I’m scared of things now and I haven’t been for a long time. The people I used to raft with would be surprised. I was always up for a good rapid. I loved the thrill of getting tossed out of the raft.

(Although, the last time I went rafting there was a scary incident and one of the two guides had me so scared I thought we were going to lose one of the people we had with us. Truly. He was screaming and shouting at me to “grab him!!” and I couldn’t grab the guy and I think that experience was a little traumatic for me in hindsight).

Zach isn’t scared. Of anything. He’s so excited about everything and has such a zest for life. So I don’t know what changed in me. Why I’m so worried all the time.

This weekend I was in Utah with my grandpa and I was planning to come home Saturday night but decided to come home Sunday instead. This decision was harder for me than it should have been. I stayed for various reasons but while on the phone with Zach I was like, “I seriously want to ask you not to drive anywhere until I get home.’ He kind of chuckled at me and told me he loved me. He’s so patient with my worries. But then he talked to me about a few things and I started bawling and I just said, “I’m so tired of worrying all the time that someone is going to die.’

When I got home, I had another similar breakdown. I explained to Zach how much worse things have gotten and how I feel like that 7th grader again. I started crying once again and was afraid I wouldn’t sleep well. Zach gave me a hug, kissed me, and told me the same thing he told me earlier this summer, “Give it to Him, Shar.”

I’ve always tried to fix my fear and worry myself. Telling myself that I’m not faithful enough to get rid of it. But it occurred to me that that is my problem. Even though I’m trying to use faith, I’m still the one trying to change. I’m trying to do the work instead of inviting someone else to do it for me. Someone who knows me perfectly and is capable to do so where I am not. I’m going to try it. (More on changing hearts later, conference was incredible!)

I have two questions for you then?

Did a relationship in your life change you in a similar or perhaps different way? Why do you think that is?

(I think just like having a nice new house and a happy family, I recognized that I have something so special and unique with Zach and I’m afraid of not having the chance to see it through all the way in this life).

Are you worried like this? If so, please share how you deal with this? It can honestly be crippling for me at times–I would welcome any suggestions you have to share, no matter how inadequate you may think they are.

 

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