Miscarriage is topic that I’ve been schooled in the hard way. It’s very ugly and unfortunate, but it’s what I was given. The best I can think is to put my thoughts out there and see if it can help or support someone else.
There are a lot of posts that I’ve found that talk about what to say and what not to say immediately after a loss, but I’ve yet to find anything that talk about the months following.
I feel like I’ve made peace with my loss. I’ve accepted it as part of a plan for me and my family. I have. I don’t feel that people need to pity me or feel sorry for me. But there are a few things that are said (pretty regularly to me) by people who know about our loss and sometimes it can be very painful.
Photo by MDietzphotography
What Not To Say
First of all, I think it’s important to note that even though I’ve made complete peace with my loss, I think about it every.single.day. It’s something that I reflect on every morning when I get ready and every time I say my prayers. I don’t know when or if that will change. I’m sure I’m not the only woman who’s experienced this type of loss who still thinks about it months later. In fact, I’d say that’s probably pretty standard.
*Don’t continue to ask about pregnancy
I find this inappropriate anyway. Whether someone has suffered a loss or not. What if I were and I wasn’t ready to tell yet? You put me in a place of sharing something that I’m holding onto for a reason or withholding that.
I’ve had the following said to me,
“You look good holding that baby, do you have news?”
“Still no luck getting pregnant, Sharlee?”
“Are you pregnant yet?”
Remember, these are people who know about my loss, not people who don’t.
*It will happen when you stop trying
The unfortunate thing about this is that I usually get this response after I’ve answered “no” to the first question/comment. The thing is. I wasn’t actively trying before and I did get pregnant. I wanted it that way. I still do. I know it can work whatever way it’s supposed to. Some people have sex in the back of the car for 4 seconds when they are 16 and it happens and some people fight tooth and nail to have a baby via modern-day medicine. Everyone fits somewhere on that scale. Nobody really knows what is in store for a couple in this regard.
*It will happen when the time is right
I believe that, to an extent. But it’s hard to hear when the time was right and it felt right and it was so quickly taken away. Who knows what the reasons are for what makes it right for a couple.
*Disclaimer* I know the people making these comments, mean well. I do. I don’t fault them in any way for what they say. This post is mainly to help someone who knows someone who’s suffered a pregnancy loss as the months progress. It’s just to maybe help make people more aware.
Thing to Say
I don’t really think anything needs to be said regarding pregnancy period unless it’s already been brought up.
*Misty always says to me, “It will happen” and leaves it at that. Even though she can’t possibly know that, she swears she “feels it” and I appreciate that. She fills me with hope without putting a condition on it of trying/not trying or timing. She just tells me it will happen. That helps. Just fill them with hope.
*Let the person know their in your thoughts and prayers. That helps. One of the women I worked with in summer school knew about my loss because I missed work. She too had suffered a pregnancy loss and was extremely kind and supportive. She works in a different building during the school year but I communicate with her often because of another job I have (she’s like my boss). She just came back from a maternity leave and I had emailed asking how she was doing and how the baby was doing. She wrote back and told me how well she was doing and then just added, “I hope you’re doing well. You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers.” Even though it’s been months, it really touched me.
That’s not something I think everyone can do. It depends on the relationship, but it sure meant a lot to me. Knowing that people are rooting for you without conditions is the greatest thing and I appreciate those people so much right now. Because some days it’s still really hard.