I hope this topic doesn’t offend anyone but, laughing is a thing I do sometimes even when something is actually quite sad. This past month has been very hard for me. This record breaking coldness leaves me with a sadness. It brings memories of the drive in the cold snow after the 555 a.m. call from the hospital and walking in to find that my mom was already gone. Then it takes me to last year at this time pulling my truck to the front of the hospital in Salt Lake to bring my dad back here after the first heart surgery towards trying to get his hip fixed eventually. The attendant wheeled him out and the snow was falling all over as dad was telling me we better get on the road. This weather leaves me cold and it makes me sad.
Now on to the funny part of grief. I get to thinking of my dealing with it and the odd behavior of people around me.
Here are some things that are actually kind of funny.
The question “how old was—–” like that makes it less of a loss – as if we should be perfectly fine as the meter ran out and we can drive on!
People using psychiatric caring phrases such as “you really need to let your feelings out. It is unhealthy to bottle them up inside.”
This is sometimes followed with the offer to talk with them about it. I wouldn’t discuss my personal feelings on mandarin chicken with these people so why on earth would I do the Dr.Phil show with fhem?
Then there are the odd things that make you sad-pulling out a pair
of socks and thinking “oh—–wore socks” or used a fork, watched t.v.
“I can’t eat a hamburger ever again because ___ ate hamburgers”
Or the thing where you try to find contact even when you know it isn’t them. I do know there are times when their spirit is around us, but as much as I would like it I profoundly doubt that they are in the pencil that rolled across my desk. I would really like it because maybe they could help me color in the winning lotto numbers.
Then here is one I got from an old boss in regards to a good friend who was having a hard time over the loss of a brother. He gives me a number of a person for her to call “to speed the process up a bit” Seriously what a stupid man!
This goes with people assuming after a set amount of time you no longer need to miss them.I wonder sometimes out loud if people like this ever have really loved someone!
I know I have written quite a few things on this topic and I am sorry if it seems rather dark. In all of this I have found that I can still find humor in things. This is a gift my parents passed to me.
So when I hear a song in the car that makes me cry so hard I feel i need to pull off the road I will imagine my pencil rolling and I will laugh.
How long have they been gone?
They are never going to be completely gone and I am happy about that.