I must say, I’m part ashamed of how many hours I’ve been plugging away at this and part proud that I figured it out.
I was just sure I was going to have to get Zach’s help. Let me explain to you what happens when I get in over my head with the computer and I have to get Zach’s help. Zach researches…and researches…and researches some more. (I tend to just mess around with things. I Google a question, if the answer is too complicated, I move on. That may or may not have happened a lot this week). Then Zach ever so cautiously (read: slowly) attempts to try his research out…step by step. I stand over his shoulder, watching, ready to pounce. I can’t handle it. His patience and my lack of patience don’t really work when it comes to figuring this blogging stuff out.
So I did it…all by myself! I am so so proud.
What do you think?
As proud as I am, I’m also exhausted. I have a bunch of posts in my drafts just waiting to share with you, but I really had hoped for some ingenious post for my new design debut.
Instead, I’ll share some different thoughts (and an amazing photo)..thoughts that I haven’t really organized in my own mind so who knows why I’m sharing them here today?
Last night I got together with some girlfriends that I used to see more regularly. I had some really good conversations that I was in desperate need of. I’ll explain that in an upcoming post and just some really good, relaxing talk.
My friend, Tara, recently had a baby. I got to snuggle her last night. She was fussy at first. (I used to think I had a gift with babies, but Grace broke me. She was the first baby that I couldn’t get to stop crying in all my life…and I think she shook my confidence). Eventually she fell asleep in my lap for a bit and a part of me just melted.
I can’t even explain, though I’m sure most of you know, that intoxicating power a baby has. There’s just something so…magical, small yet significant, wonderful, transforming…whatever you want to call it about babies. There’s just this “baby thing.”
Sometimes I forget about the “baby thing.” Sometimes when I’m worried about money, or my body, or about completely rearranging my life to revolve around someone else. And then those reminders. They come so gently but their influence is long-lasting and powerful. Sometimes even painful.
Because today I was still reflecting on that moment and the “baby thing.” And it hit me like a ton of bricks: It’s March.
It’s March and I’m still not pregnant. I was supposed to bring a baby home last month. I was sure that I would at least be expecting again by my due date. Certainly that would have helped explain the loss of my baby. See, I thought I’d end up getting pregant before February. And I thought that maybe when the month of February came, I’d be expecting. Then when the baby came, I imagined I’d think, “This is why. It’s because you were supposed to be ours.”
But no. And now I’m left with a little more confusion and honestly, hope is a little less tangible today. I’m sure it will resurface, but today I am sad.
I don’t want to be a bitter person. I don’t want to feel a pang of jealousy or sadness when someone else has news that she is expecting. I want to feel sure that there is a different plan for us.
Who knows what the reasons are? I certainly don’t. I just know that sometimes I’m fine and other times I’m simply not. Today I am not.
Tonight I will paint my toe nails, like I do every month. I will pray for peace and understanding. Eventually it will come, though we all know I’ll forget it later…like I have before. And I will be grateful for the things I do have.