I am happy today. I have a lot of good in my life, but I’m also dealing with a pretty big dose of disappointment.
The past two weeks have been a whirlwind as I’ve put a lot of time and effort into applying for a job that would (I think) be perfect in my transition to the career I want someday. It would have been an ideal job for a working mom–when that day comes. I like to plan ahead. I like to think of our future and my future career. This option seemed to fulfill both.
I was hesitant about whether or not I was ready to leave the classroom. To not have students. To not work directly with my teammates. But the push for the things I ultimately want outweighed the changes that made me nervous and I put my all into this application process.
Before I even met with the interview committee I had to complete some written “performance tasks.” At first glance they overwhelmed me. I wanted to give up. I wasn’t ready to put that kind of work into a job that I wasn’t 100% positive I wanted.
But I started on the performance tasks and I couldn’t stop. It was like I was inspired. Ideas kept coming to me and I kept putting them onto paper, until I felt like I had given all I had to give to those tasks.
The day of the interview, I was sick to my stomach I was so nervous. I got into the interview committee of like 12 people (I’m not joking) and answered 17 questions to the best of my ability.
I smiled. I joked. I decided I really wanted to work with these people and this staff. I walked away feeling not quite sure of how it went.
And then I didn’t hear anything when I expected to. The texts started flying in, “Have you heard anything?!”
The next morning, a coworker of mine, who had been on the interview committee, flew into my room. “You NAILED that interview yesterday, Sharlee! You absolutely nailed it. It was incredible. I was so impressed.”
“Really? I did good? They liked me.”
“Yeah, they liked you. ______________ called you right?”
“Oh, well then I’ll shut up. It was close. We sat going over you and another candidate for 1 hour and 15 minutes trying to decide, but you rocked it!”
To me, I thought that she was basically bursting into my room because I got the job. She knew who got it. She was proud of me for doing so well.
And then I felt proud. And I started envisioning myself in this new role. (Something I’d done a little, but not really allowed myself to do until now. Now I felt confident).
I was worry free. I was getting this job. I came home and told Zach how well I’d done and how I pretty much was getting the job. I told him how excited I was and how perfect this timing was. I really felt like things were being guided by someone much higher than me and that everything was falling into place. This was what was best for me and for us.
I had a message to call the principal and I did. I expected I’d be getting the job, so when I heard a voicemail message, I happily left my name and number, “Call anytime.”
Three hours later, I hadn’t heard anything. So what did this overly confident girl do? Emailed the principal with my phone number, “Call anytime!”
And he did. I should have known it was bad news when he said, “I figured I’d call you so you didn’t have to worry all weekend.” I should have figured it was bad news when he said, “Are you busy right now?”
But I didn’t. I thought I was talking to my new boss. I was so blissful and excited until he said, “We went ahead and offered the job to ____.”
(Note: I know the girl they offered the job to and I told myself that I would be totally fine losing to her. She’s a math person in her building like me…so we run in the same circles and she’s SUPER nice. I knew she’d be a good fit, too. I said I’d be okay if she got it.)
It took a minute to sink in. I had envisioned a totally different conversation and it wasn’t going the way I’d expected. The plans that I’d had rolling through my head all day weren’t going to happen. Here it is, the end of the school year, and I’m probably sticking around my school. I had hoped for a change. I had wanted something new. I had thought this was it.
I’m not sure how appropriately I responded. He was being all professional and saying things like, “I look forward to working with you in other capacities throughout the district.” And I think I mumbled a few “Okays.”
He was gracious enough to tell me that I was absolutely ready for this job and that it was a tight race. Ultimately, she knew the staff in her building already and they already trusted her. I can’t blame them. “You are ready for this kind of job, so I would encourage you to keep applying. You’ll be a fantastic coach!” I am not even sure I thanked him.
I got off the phone and then came the ridiculous tears. The toddler sobbing in her hands kind of tears. Tears that I’m so glad nobody but Mal was there to witness.
Sadness. Disappointment. Angry at myself for being disappointed. I told myself Heavenly Father knew best and if I did my best (And I did. I did my VERY best) that what was meant to be would be.
I texted Zach that I didn’t get the job and some of the explanation as to why. I then texted him and said, ‘I’m sad.”
He texted me back that he was sorry and that he loved me. But then he said, “We still have so much to be grateful for! It will all work out. Something better is in the works.”
I love that husband of mine. We do have SO much to be grateful for and I don’t want to forget any of it for a second.
But the thing is, you can be grateful and disappointed at the same time. You can trust in God and still wonder what’s down the road and that doesn’t mean you’re any less faithful. You can cry tears of sadness and tears of happiness on the same day (I did). That’s just part of experiencing this beautiful life.
I certainly don’t enjoy this feeling I have today–disappointment doesn’t feel good by any means. But when it goes away, I will be left with a reminder to take in those triumphant moments and hold them close.
Yes, I’m dealing with some disappointment right now, but I know what’s waiting for me.